I almost did it the other day. FaceTiming my dad I almost said those two words, "I'm lonely" but it wouldn't have stopped there. Tears would have flowed down my cheeks and those awful hiccup like gasps would follow in suit. I would be upset, baby boy would be upset, and my dad would have been upset.

My dad tells me that he wants to know everything. He told me while he was here that while I might not want to tell my mom something or other, that he'd want to know if something was wrong. The thing is he loves me so much that if I'm hurting I know he's hurting too. I know it because he can't stand to see or hear me cry in person. I mean there is a reason my whole extended family called me "cry baby" in Korean growing up. It'd hurt him even more to see my cry while video chatting. So, I hold it in, smile and tell him that the day is cold, baby boy is hungry or has to poo, that I am not looking forward to the 4 month immunisations and that I'll probably cry too during them, that I miss him, mom, and my older brother, but not about this deep seeded loneliness.

How can I make it so that the little man wants to tell me everything, the good and the bad, without holding back to protect me? I guess I have to be stoic to a certain degree when he tells me he is sad so that he can't see my sadness, but only see my compassion. So I ask that I may shed my tendency to cry it out and instead gain a strength to lift my own heart and my baby's heart out of sadness whenever the occasion my arise.

A cool breeze blows this morning reminding me that it's still winter and that it's best spent snuggling with my loves. The little man is bundled up in his sleeping bag in a lightly toasted room, falling asleep to piano lullabies. My gentleman is already at work, two hours early, preparing to enrich the minds of our future generations.

And so I'm reminded, while the house is quiet, that I am lonely. I can reach out to others via phone, e-mail, FaceTime, or other electronic means. But to do so would mean to disturb my contented lonely state. A state of mind where I tell myself it's okay to be lonely. That everyone is busy and living lives. That they don't miss me and I don't miss them. Life go on, lonely or not.

And so instead of sending out half hearted e-mails or start awkward, disjointed, conversations, I sit and mindlessly browse the net. I await the awakening coos or cries of my darling boy so that I can forget that I'm lonely.

What have I learned?

1. Breastfeeding was hard. REALLY hard. I realise that breastfeeding is not difficult for everyone, but it was super hard for me. Little man didn't open his mouth wide when latching on. I had horrible technique (still probably do, but little man is an expert now). My nipples were damaged. I had to take little man off the breast to heal. I cried A LOT. Pumping was hard. At one stage I was pumping every two hours (no one told me I didn't have to pump overnight at that interval). Mastitis sucked, but I healed. I'm glad I persevered. I love seeing little man smile on the boob and make cute little sighing noises. I hope I can make it to 1 year.

2. My family is generous. I have known this for a long time, but they are. My immediate family and my extended family are generous. I miss them terribly.

3. Troy is amazing. I have known this for a while now too, but it's nice to be reminded. From being so supportive during the labour, to ferrying my parents when they visited when he just got his license a few months before, to changing nappies (some dads don't change nappies?), to cooking amazing Korean dinners, to always offering cuddles even when I'm being a monster. He is the BEST MAN for me and the BEST FATHER for our little one. 

4. Some advice is best left floating in the air. Not all advice is helpful. It's okay to sift through, pick and choose what to utilise. 

5. We sure do make a cute baby. I'm so glad he's more Troy than me in temperament. He is so happy, but loves our attention (I love getting attention from Troy too!). Although we make a cute baby, I'm thinking our family of three is complete (not ruling out furry family members in future though).

I am...

I am...
       ... a mother
       ... a wife
       ... a daughter
       ... a friend
       ... a registered nurse
       ... imperfect
       ... emotional
       ... always learning
       ... improving (I hope)

I'm finding it hard to successfully merge all these roles in my life. I love being a mother. It is challenging, beautiful, emotional, fulfilling. I am so happy that our family of two (because two makes a family too!) became a family of three. I wonder where my job will fit into motherhood. I don't want to leave my baby with strangers and as we have no family locally I'm really struggling with this idea. I love being there to comfort baby boy. It breaks my heart and yet makes me laugh when I see that bottom lip jut out into a pout, have it go back to normal for a second, jut out again, preceding his heartbreaking cry. He tries so hard to be happy even when he's upset. I love you. Mummy loves you.

Here's to the New Year

For the last few years I have purposefully tried not to make resolutions. I know myself too well in that I know that I'll never follow through. But this year, considering my advancing age, that a change in lifestyle is needed. Therefore I am putting forward a number of goals I'd like to achieve.

1. Know what I eat

I have recently started counting calories. In the past I never looked at the caloric content, believing that if I never saw the amount of calories...they didn't count. And that if I ate something naughty when no one else was around...it didn't count. Knowing what I eat is allowing me to choosing healthier options, from what I put in my cart at the grocery store to what I put in my mouth.

2. Try to avoid processed foods and foods with preservatives.

This leads to mostly avoiding the filler aisles in the grocery shop and basically just shopping in the perimeter. I am trying to bake all the bikkies and sweets that I'd like to eat and buying bread fresh from the bakery.

3. Finally complete the Couch to 5k

I've known about the couch to 5k program since I was in uni for my first degree. I have never completed the program. Running has never really been my thing. I am not the graceful antelope type girl running on the treadmill. I'm the struggling lump of a person, propelling my body forward in a most awkward fashion. I'd like to enjoy jogging as I cannot swim (both my arms dislocate!) and don't have a road bike for biking.

4. Be kind to my skin

So I am one of those people blessed with clear, non sensitive skin. My brother went through those horrible years of prescription acne medication with my mom yelling at him to remember to use it. I don't get heat rashes or suffer from pimples. But, I don't really moisturize and treat my skin right. My lack of sunscreen has led to sun freckles (much to my mother's horror...she sends me whitening cream) and so I am determined to be kinder to my skin. Daily moisturizer here I come. (My skin may also be kind to me because I don't wear make up).

I hope I reach these goals!

Recap

This year has been tough. I graduated from nursing school (with distinction) only to find I couldn't get a job (and counting...5 months later), we moved 600km north and don't know anyone here, and I haven't been back to the US for about 3 years now.

I also have a lot to be thankful for. I have amazing friends although they may be far away. TAD has been offered a permanent job at his school, we live in a nice house with awesome landlords, and we have families that support us.

This Christmas was fun. We went down to TAD's parent's place and relaxed. We got to spend time with TAD's nephew who is hands down so adorable.

This Christmas, because I don't have a job, I went with simple and cheap. I picked up a photo frame from Big W and had my favourite photo of us enlarged.

I love this photo. I know it isn't terribly flattering of me or TAD, but I still love it. It was taken by our lovely friend, Connie, in Korea before TAD and I were even together. I miss Korea!

Holiday Happenings

It seems the holiday spirit is making everyone generous! There are so many giveaways and freebies happening. I love it!

Studio of Mae, which is this amazing decal company, is having free shipping this week! I personally don't own any of the decals, but they are just gorgeous, and they're fabric! So sweet. I believe there is free shipping to the US and Australia. They'd be pretty fabulous especially if you rent, because supposedly they don't mark up the walls.

Brooklyn Limestone also has these really clever gift tags for freebie! They are adorable. I wish I had a colour printer because I know it would look more awesome with the red.

Great Giveaway

I absolutely adore etsy. It feels good to buy things that are handmade, gorgeous, and know that I am supporting independent artists and designers.

Amy from junghwa by amy stewart is hosting a giveaway! WildPeace Organics is providing one of their beautiful clutches in the giveaway!

How awesome is it that Ying, of WildPeace Organics, is a teacher by day and an artist by night? I can appreciate how hard she works since Troy is a teacher too!

Anyhow, here is the link to more information about the giveaway!

Photos come from WildPeace Organics' etsy site. =)

Ideas

Pinterest is a great site to source ideas. Ok, so I may not be able to do 99% of the DIY things, but that 1% I can handle, it's worth it to see the results.

I loved this idea. But instead of the three hearts I just went for the one. I wasn't feeling very ambitious that day.

So Troy and I met in Korea in 2007. I went to 3-4 op shops in search of an old atlas. I felt quite bad because I knew I would be tearing out a page. Unfortunately for me, many old atlases fail to focus on Korea. They prefer the bigger China or the archipeligo-ed Japan. Or, if I did find Korea in the atlas, it was near the binding which was not a good thing. I found an absolutely beautiful atlas for $6, but feeling rather stingy I held out. I found one for $3.

At the same time I was on the lookout for a square photo frame. I found one for $1.50. It had a watercolour of Jesus distributing fish and bread, but obviously I took the watercolour out. Luckily, the frame was already double matted. I took a pink folder, stenciled a heart, exacto-knifed the heart out of the pink folder and arranged it inside the frame.

I didn't cut the map into the shape of a heart, I cut the heart out of the folder.

Then, I wrote "We met" "February 2007" Done!

Happy Birthday Oppa!

Although we're far apart, I'm always thinking of you and thanking you for all that you do. Hands down, you've got to be the best son, friend, brother, grandson, person that we all know. You make us proud and we love your huge heart.

I love you.

Feel Good Books

Why is it that my favourite feel good books come from when I was a child? You may think that it was because it was a time where things were "simpler", but even now they have a quality that can make me laugh until my cheeks hurt and cry with all the feeling in my heart. I think a large piece of me wanted to jump into the story and live in each period. I wanted to be friends with the characters, enjoy their company, console and be consoled by them.

Which books are they you ask? Here they are in a list of no particular order. I wonder what other books from your childhood make you feel the same.


1. The Good Master (Kate Seredy)

2. Little Lord Fauntleroy (Frances Hodgson Burnett)

3. Where the Red Fern Grows (Wilson Rawls)

4. The Wolfling (Sterling North)

5. Number the Stars (Lois Lowry)

Laurel Denise's 2011 vs 2012 Planner

Laurel Denise makes a beautiful and practical planner. I bought the 2011 planner and as long as she continues to make planners, it'll be the only one I buy and recommend to others.

I just received my 2012 planner today and I thought it would be fun to do a comparison. These are just my opinions and I'm sure not everyone will agree.

• Covers (Inside and Out)

2011- I can't remember (nor find) the description for the cover of this planner. I believe it was a "kraft" paper cover. Don't quote me! It kind of reminded me of "brown paper packages tied up with strings" (Sound of Music). I loved the plain brown cover, though I had issue with the corners because they started to bend slightly with age (and being tossed into my purse all the time). The logo was on the bottom right, which I enjoyed. The inside pocket was high which I liked. It tucked things in very well.

2012- I personally think that the cover is sturdier than the 2011. It also feels silkier than the 2011 cover and I feel like if I spill something on it I could just wipe it off (not sure if this is true, just saying). The logo is centred and you have the choice of I believe 5 colours (pink, blue, green, grey, yell0w) for the cover. The inside pocket is lower and has a lovely striped pattern on it! That being said, I don't mind that the pocket is lower.

• Front Page

2011- Though plain, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It had a place to write your name and contact details on the bottom right (if you were ever to lose it...the horror!). I think the space was nice if you are a doodler and wanted to "make it your own" or just to add stickers or decorate or perhaps tape a photo to it.

2012- The logo sits on it as well as a space to write your goals for each month of the year. I think it's clever and allows you to see how you've grown and changed and aspired. It still has space for your name and contact details.

• Calendar/Weekly View

2011/2012 - I love how this planner allows you to view the month and week at the same time as your notes for what you want to do this day and week. It's small, but I believe it gives you enough space to write what you want to.

Unfortunately, I do have one small issue with the weekly view. The calendar does not necessarily stop at that month. For example, Jan 2012 ends on the 31st. With the last week starting on the 30th. The 30th and 31st aren't in the Jan 2012 section, but are carried over to the Feb 2012 section. I'd prefer all of Jan to be in that section, with perhaps extra space to doodle or something. But once again, that is just my opinion.

I'd also like tabs put on each week, but I it's an easy fix (I use a clear post it tab to keep track of which week I'm on).

• Tabs for each month

2011- The tabs were bigger and square. I actually prefer the size of these tabs because they're slightly easier to grip, as well as see each month. They are not stamped on the back, as you can see.

2012- These tabs are shorter and round. I would prefer them to be taller. I like how they are rounded though. I DO like how the month is stamped on both sides of the tabs.

Overall, I'm a fan of these planners. They are cleverly thought out and executed. My hat is off to you, Laurel Denise!

Please forgive the photos. I am by no means a photographer. I hope I was able to illustrate the differences!

Hit and Miss

So after seeing so many bloggers refurbish, redo, reincarnate old pieces I really wanted to try it for myself. I bought a print on etsy (from Renee Treml) and have really had trouble finding a suitable frame for it. It's 9"x9" and I don't know about you, but it's hard finding square picture frames that don't cost a fortune. I've been scouting out various St Vinnies and the like for a large, cheap square frame. I found one for $6! It is wood of some description and it had some kind of cross stitch in it. I just ripped the cross stitch out and changed the border (matte) part of it. I should have taken a before photo. I went and bought a piece of blue poster board ($1 at the newsagent) and replaced the old tan matte border. I used my ceramic stove top scraper to cut out the centre cut out for the print. I didn't have an exacto knife so I was being "crafty".

Miss # 1: The glass on the frame is a bit frosted.

Despite trying to clean it the best I could it still is a bit "cloudy".

Miss #2: A few straggly strands that are visible on the bottom part of the border.

I had to go over one part of the border with my "exacto" knife and so it left some straggly strands

Hit #1: The frame was a perfect size and price! All together this cost $7. Yay!

Hit #2: The redo didn't take that long (Maybe 30 min)

Hit #3: It looks great in the living room!!!

Hit #4: When I upgrade the print to a better frame I have another idea for this frame

Decor

I'm not exactly sure what my sense of style is. I tend to fancy anything that is well thought out and effortless in execution. I'm always browsing blogs and online shops and get so much inspiration. In the future, when I am able to sew I know I'll have a million projects to start (and hopefully finish). As I am currently residing in Australia I am falling in love with certain pieces from Australian artists. I have no idea whether they all fit in well together, but I can't help but to want them all under one roof.

1. Terradctl on Etsy.com

I'm not sure whether I would like them hanging or on a table. I think they'd be lovely for a wedding as well.

Image from http://www.etsy.com/listing/60523604/natural-trio-set-of-three-hanging

2. Ethicurean

These bags are really simple and beautiful. I own 4 of the Cotton French Gauze Produce Bags and they are very sturdy. I would like to purchase the Cotton Produce Bags as well.

Image from http://ethicurean.com.au/

3. Foxes of Fancy (Tex & Joe)

I found Foxes of Fancy through Renee Treml's website. This wall organizer is lovely! I enjoy the eggplant-like colour and it's simplicity. I think I would put letters and postcards and other bits and pieces in the folds. Maybe even some take out menus.

Image from http://foxesoffancy.com/

4. Renee Treml

It's funny how I even discovered that Renee Treml existed. I did a "wombat" search on etsy.com. I fell in love with her tired wombats with beautiful native (Australian) birds. I believe Renee is American (like me)! She also makes cards, brooches, and ornaments. I would LOVE to buy her cards and more prints. I actually own the print of the image below. I am trying to find a suitable (affordable) frame for it. I've found that it is difficult to find square frames! Why is that?

Image from http://reneesartwork.com/

5. Sharon Muir

She has such lovely ceramics. I am in love with all the bird pots. I particularly love the ones with painted wings. I am not sure what (if anything) I'd put inside them, but they are stunning. There are birds with all different designs.

Image from http://sharonmuir.com.au/

Although there are more pieces that I would love to have, I believe this is the end of my post today.

Giveaways

There is nothing I love more than giveaways! Just entering makes me excited. I've never won anything, but it's nice to know someone out there has won.

One store I absolutely love on Etsy is trafalgarssquare. The artist is so talented and creates beautiful prints! Check out her Easter giveaway!

Markets

The weather is just beginning to turn into something I'd call tolerable. The breeze brings with it a coolness that had recently been nothing but a thought. It may soon be time for oatmeal!

I have recently begun to look into finding local craft and produce markets. Last week Troy and I went into the city to the Market on Eagle Street. It was rather small, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. We picked up some homemade curry paste and enjoyed cooking some of that up.

This weekend we hit the jackpot. The West End Market is a bit of a further walk but it was gratifying. It didn't look like much from afar, but as we neared I could see why so many people were gathering. There were so many stalls of fresh fruit and veg at such reasonable prices. There were bags of spices, freshly made foods, and a variety of fruit of vegetables that are tricky to find in Coles or Woolies (maybe I don't look hard enough). The fruits actually gave off their natural aroma and apples weren't the size of a giant's fist. I believe West End markets is going to be a staple for Saturday mornings.

I'm thinking of trying a key lime pie recipe I've found using the beautiful limes found at the market.