I almost did it the other day. FaceTiming my dad I almost said those two words, "I'm lonely" but it wouldn't have stopped there. Tears would have flowed down my cheeks and those awful hiccup like gasps would follow in suit. I would be upset, baby boy would be upset, and my dad would have been upset.

My dad tells me that he wants to know everything. He told me while he was here that while I might not want to tell my mom something or other, that he'd want to know if something was wrong. The thing is he loves me so much that if I'm hurting I know he's hurting too. I know it because he can't stand to see or hear me cry in person. I mean there is a reason my whole extended family called me "cry baby" in Korean growing up. It'd hurt him even more to see my cry while video chatting. So, I hold it in, smile and tell him that the day is cold, baby boy is hungry or has to poo, that I am not looking forward to the 4 month immunisations and that I'll probably cry too during them, that I miss him, mom, and my older brother, but not about this deep seeded loneliness.

How can I make it so that the little man wants to tell me everything, the good and the bad, without holding back to protect me? I guess I have to be stoic to a certain degree when he tells me he is sad so that he can't see my sadness, but only see my compassion. So I ask that I may shed my tendency to cry it out and instead gain a strength to lift my own heart and my baby's heart out of sadness whenever the occasion my arise.