I almost did it the other day. FaceTiming my dad I almost said those two words, "I'm lonely" but it wouldn't have stopped there. Tears would have flowed down my cheeks and those awful hiccup like gasps would follow in suit. I would be upset, baby boy would be upset, and my dad would have been upset.

My dad tells me that he wants to know everything. He told me while he was here that while I might not want to tell my mom something or other, that he'd want to know if something was wrong. The thing is he loves me so much that if I'm hurting I know he's hurting too. I know it because he can't stand to see or hear me cry in person. I mean there is a reason my whole extended family called me "cry baby" in Korean growing up. It'd hurt him even more to see my cry while video chatting. So, I hold it in, smile and tell him that the day is cold, baby boy is hungry or has to poo, that I am not looking forward to the 4 month immunisations and that I'll probably cry too during them, that I miss him, mom, and my older brother, but not about this deep seeded loneliness.

How can I make it so that the little man wants to tell me everything, the good and the bad, without holding back to protect me? I guess I have to be stoic to a certain degree when he tells me he is sad so that he can't see my sadness, but only see my compassion. So I ask that I may shed my tendency to cry it out and instead gain a strength to lift my own heart and my baby's heart out of sadness whenever the occasion my arise.

A cool breeze blows this morning reminding me that it's still winter and that it's best spent snuggling with my loves. The little man is bundled up in his sleeping bag in a lightly toasted room, falling asleep to piano lullabies. My gentleman is already at work, two hours early, preparing to enrich the minds of our future generations.

And so I'm reminded, while the house is quiet, that I am lonely. I can reach out to others via phone, e-mail, FaceTime, or other electronic means. But to do so would mean to disturb my contented lonely state. A state of mind where I tell myself it's okay to be lonely. That everyone is busy and living lives. That they don't miss me and I don't miss them. Life go on, lonely or not.

And so instead of sending out half hearted e-mails or start awkward, disjointed, conversations, I sit and mindlessly browse the net. I await the awakening coos or cries of my darling boy so that I can forget that I'm lonely.

What have I learned?

1. Breastfeeding was hard. REALLY hard. I realise that breastfeeding is not difficult for everyone, but it was super hard for me. Little man didn't open his mouth wide when latching on. I had horrible technique (still probably do, but little man is an expert now). My nipples were damaged. I had to take little man off the breast to heal. I cried A LOT. Pumping was hard. At one stage I was pumping every two hours (no one told me I didn't have to pump overnight at that interval). Mastitis sucked, but I healed. I'm glad I persevered. I love seeing little man smile on the boob and make cute little sighing noises. I hope I can make it to 1 year.

2. My family is generous. I have known this for a long time, but they are. My immediate family and my extended family are generous. I miss them terribly.

3. Troy is amazing. I have known this for a while now too, but it's nice to be reminded. From being so supportive during the labour, to ferrying my parents when they visited when he just got his license a few months before, to changing nappies (some dads don't change nappies?), to cooking amazing Korean dinners, to always offering cuddles even when I'm being a monster. He is the BEST MAN for me and the BEST FATHER for our little one. 

4. Some advice is best left floating in the air. Not all advice is helpful. It's okay to sift through, pick and choose what to utilise. 

5. We sure do make a cute baby. I'm so glad he's more Troy than me in temperament. He is so happy, but loves our attention (I love getting attention from Troy too!). Although we make a cute baby, I'm thinking our family of three is complete (not ruling out furry family members in future though).

I am...

I am...
       ... a mother
       ... a wife
       ... a daughter
       ... a friend
       ... a registered nurse
       ... imperfect
       ... emotional
       ... always learning
       ... improving (I hope)

I'm finding it hard to successfully merge all these roles in my life. I love being a mother. It is challenging, beautiful, emotional, fulfilling. I am so happy that our family of two (because two makes a family too!) became a family of three. I wonder where my job will fit into motherhood. I don't want to leave my baby with strangers and as we have no family locally I'm really struggling with this idea. I love being there to comfort baby boy. It breaks my heart and yet makes me laugh when I see that bottom lip jut out into a pout, have it go back to normal for a second, jut out again, preceding his heartbreaking cry. He tries so hard to be happy even when he's upset. I love you. Mummy loves you.